Phune People

It's December again, and as you have seen on Instagram, the "Phune" boys will be here (in naija) soon. 

They speak with an intonation that leaves you wondering what particular country you would trace their accent to. With the "init"s and "aii"s and all that brouhaha they seek to confuse us with.

There's nothing supernormal about Yankee. It's civilized yea, but they have poor people too, and pick pockets and community issues and every other vice common to the human race. So I wonder why we try so hard to dissociate ourselves from Nigeria's own issues. Famzing another man's land isn't going to make you non-Nigerian. Awe, you still come from one of the most corrupt nations in the world!

 I dare not try to compare Naija with any other developed nation but I dare to say I love my ewedu and amala, I love the fact that I can evade tax when I start my business...not like it's evasion though, I won't just pay...and I also won't feel guilty because the road to my house is full of pot holes and there's hardly power supply and I pay for almost everything the government should provide freely.

So as I was saying, I love the lawlessness and freedom, the fact that nobody minds their business, and everybody wants to know what's going on with you...just for the sake of knowing and comparison (at times)...yea..I love that we don't speak through our nose and that we have some kind of weird strength and hope for a better tomorrow all the while knowing tomorrow may not be better if we do not change our today.

I love the fact that we have proved Karl Marx right on his theory about religion being the opium of the people. I love the weather and NTA. Yea, I love NTA because it has shown me that you can be completely obsolete and irrelevant despite having all the resources to put you at the top of your game. Beautiful people, I must say.

Speaking phune is supposed to make you appear wealthy cause you can afford a flight ticket... Deep I must say. Dangote doesn't speak phune, yet I believe the white man can hear him loud and clear. They can hear me too, you know. And that's cause I speak clear English with the proper pronunciations, not Phune.

But how dare I attack you, it's all for the market sales...and really, that's fine, I won't judge trust me. Just take it easy though when you have to pronounce polysyllabic words, cause na there water go pass garri!

I love the fact that people roam aimlessly at Shoprite all with phune accents, all trying to act tush, most buying nothing, most looking for "customers".

Please, next time you see any of these weird "phune" fellows, ask them:

"So, how market?"

Note: awe means friend in Yoruba.

It Wasn't Part of The Plan

Our lives are defined by opportunities; even the ones we miss.

Benjamin Button: [Voice over; letter to his daughter] 

For what it's worth: it's never too late or,

In my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. 

There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. 

We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you see things that startle you. 

I hope you feel things you never felt before. 

I hope you meet people with a different point of view. 

I hope you live a life you're proud of.

If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

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Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it.

Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it. 

A woman in Paris was on her way to go shopping, but she had forgotten her coat - went back to get it. When she had gotten her coat, the phone had rung, so she'd stopped to answer it; talked for a couple of minutes. 

While the woman was on the phone, Daisy was rehearsing for a performance at the Paris Opera House. And while she was rehearsing, the woman, off the phone now, had gone outside to get a taxi. Now a taxi driver had dropped off a fare earlier and had stopped to get a cup of coffee. And all the while, Daisy was rehearsing.

And this cab driver, who dropped off the earlier fare; who'd stopped to get the cup of coffee, had picked up the lady who was going to shopping, and had missed getting an earlier cab. The taxi had to stop for a man crossing the street, who had left for work five minutes later than he normally did, because he forgot to set off his alarm. 

While that man, late for work, was crossing the street, Daisy had finished rehearsing, and was taking a shower. 

And while Daisy was showering, the taxi was waiting outside a boutique for the woman to pick up a package, which hadn't been wrapped yet, because the girl who was supposed to wrap it had broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and forgot.

When the package was wrapped, the woman, who was back in the cab, was blocked by a delivery truck, all the while Daisy was getting dressed. 

The delivery truck pulled away and the taxi was able to move, while Daisy, the last to be dressed, waited for one of her friends, who had broken a shoelace. 

While the taxi was stopped, waiting for a traffic light, Daisy and her friend came out the back of the theater. 

And if only one thing had happened differently: if that shoelace hadn't broken; or that delivery truck had moved moments earlier; or that package had been wrapped and ready, because the girl hadn't broken up with her boyfriend; or that man had set his alarm and got up five minutes earlier; or that taxi driver hadn't stopped for a cup of coffee; or that woman had remembered her coat, and got into an earlier cab, Daisy and her friend would've crossed the street, and the taxi would've driven by. But life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control - that taxi did not go by, and that driver was momentarily distracted, and that taxi hit Daisy, and her leg was crushed.

It's None of My Business II

"Hi Remi, bawo ni? Its been long o. What are you doing here? What happened to your face?" I asked, half pretending not to know that her bobo worked in the same company as I.

"Nothing happened to my face. I fell down. Has Timi come to work this morning?" she asked as she held back tears.

"Not yet. Is everything..."

As Timi walked in, half heartedly answering the receptionist when Remi charged at him.

"Timi, so you knew you were HIV positive and still you made love to me without protection! So Mama B is actually your sugar mummy, I thought you said she was your Aunt. Hmmm, God will judge you o....God will...."

Remi broke down in tears, weeping uncontrollably. I didn't know whether to console her or whether to keep standing with my mouth agape.

I thought the worst had happened until Remi rushed to the bathroom to throw up.

__________

This gist would be whispered from office to office, from buka to buka and from state to state.

So, for the sake of it, be sure to tell whoever repeats this story to you that you've heard it before.

But more importantly, be sure to show that you have learnt, almost everything within your line of
sight is sort of your business.


Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Albert Camus

It's None of My Business I

Part I


Things had changed between Remi and me. We used to be great friends until recently.

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You see, I'm one to always mind my business.

As a guy, Mama taught me early enough to always speak less and observe more. It was this advice I was following when I landed in trouble. What happened? Chill, I would give you the gist. 

Remi and I were in the same class in school. In fact, everyone thought we were dating at some point. However, she told me I was a "great" friend when I asked her out. Two weeks after my proposal, she started dating some cool guy like that who drove a Range Rover sport. To say I was pained is to underestimate what I went through. People said I should face my work and find a babe on my level. I wanted to tell them God will punish them but I held back, choosing to allow God sort me out.

Somehow, during youth service, I got to serve in this her bobo's company, an insurance firm in Abuja.  

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"Tony see, wahala dey o," I said

"What is it??"  replied Tony,

" Remi's bobo is a gigolo o! There is this married lady whom he is...you know..."

"Wow, you need to tell Remi...abi?"

"I would have, but you see, it's none of my business" 

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Maybe I should have made it my business, because when Remi found out, it was too late. Too late to ...

Danfo Drama

That night, the trip was from Obalende to Yaba. The bus had no conductor, only an angry driver. I had boarded the bus after leaving the endless queue awaiting the arrival of the BRT bus.

The rickety bus moved with so much noise, I feared it would pack up unexpectedly. With tongue in cheek, I browsed BellaNaija, admiring the latest fashion collection from one WeizDhurm Franklyn. Talented guy, I mused.

Luckily for us, on that day, the traffic on the third mainland bridge was not so bad.

"Ejo, e funmi  lowo, two hundred per seat. E se kia kia!!!" hissed the driver.

As expected, everyone shouted in outright disapproval.

"For what?"

"Ole Gambia!!!"

"Two hundred naira ko, two million ni!"

"Mi o ri aye oshi"

I wondered how the drama was going to end.

When we got to the middle of the bridge, the driver whistled as he stopped the bus. He came down, opened the door and asked everyone to come down.

Whether it was fear that gripped us or sheer tiredness from our day's hardwork, everyone grudgingly begged him to collect N150.

He finally succumbed and took the money from each passenger before starting the engine again.

Less than 1km after, the engine grinded to a halt.

"Oga, kilode?" we asked

"Kosi fuel. Emabinu!"

Whether it was anger or sheer frustration that filled my eyes with tears, I couldn't place my hands on it.

In other news, if you see any driver named Bashiru at Obalende, please slap him for me.

Lessons From Some Series

So if you are a girl, there would be a pang to be a mother, a wife and both at the same time even though you might just want a breath of fresh air, you won't have that liberty! (House of Cards, Desperate Housewives)

Of all the needs common to animals - food, sex, love, family, shelter - humans cap it all up with the need to betray. (Game of Thrones)

There can never really be peace on the outside. You've either just won a battle, or you are preparing for one (Game of Thrones)

Never trust him whom you so much trust. Behind every smile is an untold story, and behind every family is a dark secret. (Game of Thrones, House of Cards)

If there is any gross, malignant or sick thing you have imagined, there's a 80% chance, someone has done it. (Criminal Minds)

Doctors are often SICK people! Whether emotionally or psychologically, most have a nut screwed weirdly in their heads. (Greys Anatomy)

No one has "it" together. If Harvey Specter can punch someone in the face, then you, my dear can fight in public. The right person hasn't yanked your tail yet, hold on, it's coming! (Suits)

Have any more ideas? Please share.

Xoxo

Author: Stacia

Airport Palava

The day would come when things would be done properly.

When the air conditioners at the airport will work 

When the operations manager would inform me before changing my flight schedule

And Barotoma would not deafen my ears

And fear will not seize my heart for the one hour I share with the clouds

That day will come

The day would come when plane crashes due to human error will not be a normal news headline

And the minister of aviation would not blame God

And the people will not blame the government

And the government will not blame the people

That day will come

The day will come when Nigerians will treat each other with respect

And the attendant on the booking desk will not attend to the white man,

(Who interrupts our discussion), in a locally acquired foreign accent,

With a smile which quickly becomes a frown when she turns back to me

The day will come when with love, things will be done properly